Theme song for the Just Jasmine show

HELP, you know I need somebody,
HELP, not just anybody,
HELP, you know I need someone,
Please, please, please, help me, help m, HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Existential funk

One of my favorite phrases of the moment is “Existential funk” as in “I’m having a bit of an existential funk”

However, I have realised that I am not exactly sure what existential means and therefore if I was in a ‘funk’ of it, I better find out if is describing what I want it to describe, otherwise things could get messy.

Thanks to Wikipida I can say that an existential crisis can result from:
A sense of being alone and isolated,
The realization of one's own mortality, or the realization that there may be no afterlife or a negative afterlife; or
A realization that one's life may have no destined, supernatural, or in some cases external purpose or meaning.

An existential crisis describes a state of panic or feeling of intense psychological discomfort about questions of existence.

So, all in all, while it may be a little deep for what I am intending, I think its defo along the right lines.

Books within Books

I reading this brilliant book called “The End of Mr Y” by Scarlett Thomas. It’s exactly my kind of thing, jumping about from one idea to the next, delving into spiritually, multi-dimensions, time travel and requiring me to stop every few pages to look something up to make sure I know what they are talking about. It’s an exercise in information and I love the way it is working to link all these things together to create the story. Plus, within the first few chapters it got me thinking about the genius that is Flatland.

Flatland was written by Edwin Abott in 1884. I’d almost forgotten about this book, the idea behind it is so simple, it is used now to explain the idea behind multi-dimensional and this can be extended to the idea of multiverses.

The Plot:
The story is about a two-dimensional world referred to as Flatland. The unnamed narrator, a Square has a dream about a visit to a one-dimensional world (Lineland), and attempts to convince the worlds leader of a second dimension, without success.
Square is then visited by a three-dimensional Sphere, which he cannot comprehend until he sees Spaceland for himself. The Sphere, spends millenniums trying to educate the population of Flatland of the existence of Spaceland. However, the leaders of Flatland decide to hide the truth of the Sphere and Spaceland and ban its mention, leading to the imprisonment and death of anyone found speaking of Spaceland.
Square then tries to talk to Sphere about the theoretical possibility of the existence of a fourth (and fifth, and sixth ...) spatial dimension. Ironically, Spehere finds these ideas preposterous and returns square to Flatland in disgrace.
Square then dreams about visiting Pointland. The point (sole inhabitant, leader, and universe in one) perceives any attempt at communicating with him as simply being a thought originating in his own mind. The Square recognises that all these worlds suffer the same problem of ignorance and denial over the existence of other dimensions.
Once returned to Flatland, Square finds it difficult to convince anyone of Spaceland's existence, and is imprisoned for speaking of it in line with the leader proclamation.


Its just beginnig to talk about quantum theory, and I’ve got two-thirds of the book to go! This is going ot be good.

Can old friends become new friends?

I’ve been feeling a bit blue since the weekend, and haven’t been able to motivate myself to get back online.

Meet up with S. and R. at the weekend, it was so amazing to see them again and I had a fabulous time but once again it was a bit of a struggle to move on, conversation wise, from “great times that were” to trying to talk about our lives now. I mean don’t get me wrong, reminiscing is all well and good but I want to try and build and strengthen these friendships and you can’t do that if all you have to talk about with each other is a shared past, otherwise you have one of those friendships that only meet up every couple of years to have the same conversation over and over again about ‘remember when…’ I think we started to make headway in the end and by the end of the weekend definitely felt that we were beginning to lay down the foundation for building a friendship that was based in the present as opposed to the past.

So I’ve been feeling a little blue, which is strange as things are looking up, only 8 days left at work, 15 days till my holiday of a lifetime to China, one month until I start uni and get to feed my intellectual and hopefully meet some new and interesting people and start engaging again. I’ve had a few men hit on me, a few who were reasonably cute too! But I think I’ve got a bit of the blues, to make it worse, I haven’t been the gym so far this week as I keep making excuses and that is making me feel bad.

Ho Hum, guess I’m just having in a bit of a soul funk, hopefully it will work itself out soon.

Shooting Stars

I am so excited, my two old flatmates are coming to stay for the weekend – it will be the first time the three of us have been together in three years! I can barely think straight, I can’t be bothered to focus on work (shockingly) and I keep planning on where I can take them to best show off my wonderful home town. I’ve seen them individually over the past few years but we have never managed to all meet up, due them being at either end of the county and me stuck in the middle.

We make quite a fun group, S. is the posh one, talks like out of Mallory towers and goes sailing and skiing in her holidays but is the sweetest lovely person you can ever meet, a total grafter, dedicated to training as a doctor. I fist met R. during fresher week and she was a totally skater boi, baggy jeans, no make up and an angry wee soul to boot but again so funny and sweet she just liked to wrap it up in a shell of barbed wire. And then there was me, emotionally unable, hard nut northern lass (well not really but compared to the rest of them..) However, I like to think we made a good team, all of us bonded over our love of and ability to drink, or in S. case her belief in her ability to drink. There was a big group of us at uni, about 10-15 and we had so much fun in the beginning, oh happy happy days. There are so many things I would do different but those stories are for another time, in the meantime I’ll focus on trying to regress back to fresherdom student days – yee ha!

I’m very distressed that I missed the partial eclipse today – I remember travelling down to Cornwall for the total eclipse of the sun (break in to song here) and was so excited and of course it was cloudy but you still got to feel the effects of the darkness and all the birds settling down to roost and the flowers closing. It got me think about the comet Hale-Bopp, I loved that thing, it was so totally amazing to see this clear bright object in the sky at night, spotting its three tails spouting behind it and watching it make its way steadily across the summer sky. During this progression I went skiing to a remote little town in Italy and I remember looking up one night and it seemed to fill the whole sky and be resting just above the mountains. It was one of those moments that inspired you to write poetry, sing, dance, love and generally want to hug everyone everywhere.

I’m a sucker for all this astronomy stuff. Here are my facts for the day:

Meteoroid: Pieces of interplanetary matter orbiting the sun, traditionally smaller than a kilometre and frequently only millimetres in size.

Meteors: Are meteorids that have entered the Earths atmosphere, thus turning them into meteors. They burn up completely when they enter the earth's atmosphere. Meteors are commonly known as shooting stars.

Meteorites: If any part of a meteoroid survives the fall through the atmosphere and lands on Earth, it is called a meteorite. The biggest meteorite that we have recovered is the Hoba, Namibia meteorite that weights around 60 tons and the Meteor Crater in Arizona was thought to have been created by a meteorite 25 meters in size.

Spell it how it sounds

....is one of the WORST pieces of advice I have ever heard. As a border line dyslexic, but with a bizarrely high reading ability I can categorically confirm that this does not help, in the slightest.

Words I can not spell, a sample of:

Maintenance
Available
Convenient
Permanent
Numeracy
Colleagues

Girlfriend?

I’m getting a flashback – remembering being at work and one of my co-workers asking me if I wanted to read one of their poems (I mean really how do you say no to that) I dutifully did and it was fine, nothing more nothing less, but everyone else was heaping praise on it. And let me share with you right now that most of the time they were smirking about her behind her back calling her stuck up and a slut – which we all knows means they were desperately jealous and trying to get into her pants themselves. From this please correctly infer that I mainly worked with males.

And I just sat there and though this is a girl, a lovely girl, but a girl one the less with a very high opinion of herself and frankly this poem does not need to be praise nor her ego flattered anymore. So I quietly put it down and walked away.

Doe that make me a bitch? Because I didn'y want to rave about how fabulous it was, or does that make me a heterosexual woman or a green eyed monster. Or all of these things?

Charm - a quarks point of view

I’m always finding myself looking up random information on the internet whenever a question pops into my head and then instantly forgetting the new fact I just learnt – I’m too much of a student, unless it has been written out in five different ways using a multitude of different highlights I can’t remember anything.

So, I though this would be a good way of collating any and all useless information that I happen to look up in the day – and it will also be an interesting record of my incredibly random thought process.

Thought one:

Back in the day I was a scientist cum engineer as well as childhood fascination with astronomy. This has led into a continue ‘grown up’ fascination with science and astronomy and a desire to at least be able to have a longer than five minute conversation about string theory. Therefore, random thought one for the day is:

Quarks

Can I remember all six names, known as ‘flavours’?

1) Up
2) Down
3) Charm
4) Strange
5) ..left?
6) ….right?

Ok, obviously need to work on number 5 and 6. Also, why the heck do we have the names charm and strange in the normal dull world of science. Hummmm, must investigate.

Ah-ha number 5 and 6 are bottom and top.

Random facts about Quarks:

The most elusive quark, the top quark, was discovered in 1995 after its existence had been theorized for 20 years.
charm, strange, top, and bottom varieties are highly unstable, and are believed to have decayed within a fraction of a second after the Big Bang
Each of the six "flavours" of quarks can have three different "colours"; red, green and blue. Alas, this does not indicate an actual colour but is used to describe the color charge as a property of quarks and gluons which are related to their strong interactions in the context of quantum chromodynamics (QCD). And if you want to know that that all means, look it up yourself.
Orginally an attempt was made ‘flavours’ 5 and six, "beauty" and the predicted sixth quark "truth"; however, this later gave way to the names bottom and top.

The eternal cycle

Its weird, the whole one night stand situation. I mean even when they go well, as my recent escapade did, and both parties are mutually happy with the situation I still can’t stop obsessing about it, well him.

I think it’s much better to have no means of getting in touch (my current situation) with them, because after all, what are you going to say? But it can be hard as you keep thinking maybe they are trying to find a way to get in touch with you, when in reality that is most likely not the case! But without being able to categorically rule it out the” what if’s” pile up.

I need to shut up, I’m doing my own head in.

15.00hrs

God I hate my job, I mean i really hate it, I mean I understand why people go out and buy machine guns and come into work spraying everyone and everything they see.

Even the fact that I know I'm escaping, I still hate it with a passion and a fire. I think it has gotten worse as I know I am leavign, I no longer have to pretend to be hardworking and intrested.

My eyes hurt, my brain hurts, my back aches my very soul is screaming out for release.

I wish they would let you wear your ipod at your desk. A little bit of kung foo fighting would do wonders for my soul.

Ermmmm

OK, well I signed up for this badboy this morning - during an oh so intresting period at work. I'd written some notes late last night so it cut and pasted them in,played about with the colour then flexed my fingers and though 'my work here is done'.

Oh no, no, no. What the fuck is my email doing there, shit, bugger, fuck how do I get rid of it. Panic stations ahoy

While I’m not aiming to create a bog anything along the lines of belle du jour or girl with a one track mind I would still rather not have friends and family able to read about the state of my mind, emotions or thought process, I mean I freak myself out sometimes and I can do without giving dear old granny a heart attack.

So, run about trying to change the email address, still not entirely sure if I’ve been successful with that one. Struggling to understand how to hook into other blogs, or even sign into the ‘coffee shop’ to have a bit of chat with fellow bloggers as again I seem to have an email problem about actual email versus blog email.

Hummm, this is not going well so far.

Dance, said the wise man

Daylight, moonlight, peace, birds singing, music playing – uplifting me, making me smile and remembering to be good and be happy and begin my life

Dancing, like the wise suncream man said – dance even if it is only in your living room, however I propose a slight change to that sentence similar to the whole “one small step for man” versus “one small step for a man” row. Here is my proposal – dance, ESPECIALLY if it’s in your living room. Twirling round your house, giving yourself up to the music is a time I feel you can be truly free. You are in your own personal sanctuary, created especially for you, with the sunlight flooding your face and a smiling tugging up the corner of you mouth, you are free.

Humm, humm along to the music, sign it aloud it you can, it helps to know the words but sometimes even sounds like you know them can be enough to raise that bar of pure pleasure even closer to you. Hearing the beats, the instruments intertwine like one, feel it fill your soul, flood through you and reach that smile.

Keep dancing, twirl round, let your arms flow, smile, no BEAM that smile, feel it, feel life, feel free, feel possibility, feel potential, feel love, feel energy, feel nature, feel karma for gods sake feel something!!!!!!

Monochrome life settles over you, dancing shakes it off. What is the use in starting, to stop everything we started? The worse thing you can do is do nothing purely because you fear you can’t do the very best. Just do it, do it with a smile and a song. Dance, twirl, love, drink, eat, dance, breath, love, swim, walk, think, swing.

White clouds streaked with red, blue sky turning indigo, mauve, purple colours cascading and bringing you to life. Feel that potential, breath it, grasp its possibility and begin to feel that yes, you can change your life and be some one and do something.

Just remember to keep dancing.

“Sometimes its better not to stick bits each other in each other”

As the marvellous Hot Club de Paris says “Sometimes its better not to stick bits each other in each other” – sometimes however it is more than right.

Getting something stuck in me last night felt like a dying plant receiving those first longed for drops of rain. Actually, that metaphor gives way to much credit to the act, I feel I was a little melodramatic with it. However, the original sentiment behind it stands, what is it they say, we have seven (is it seven, maybe four) requirements of life, food, water, shelter and love and by love we mean lurrrrvvvvveeeee.

Yes ladies and gents, I got me some this weekend. Simple, uncomplicated, no string everyone is happy, we can have a laugh and a joke before, during and after and kiss each other on the cheek goodbye warmly wishing each other the best. Ok, so it wasn’t the wildest, dirtiest or nastiest, but then that is probably why we could be so civil about it. find it hard to look at anyone in a friendly, normal light after I have just strapped them to the bed, put on a 9inch big black strap-on cock and fucked them up the arse before getting down on all fours, having them suck my cunt dry and then turn me upside down and fuck my brains out; call me uptight if you will.

However, fun, frolicking sex when you are just free to it, that is so normal and so natural and truly makes me remember that sex is normal and natural.

Or maybe I’ll still just a little high from it all.

Ask me tomorrow.

Moving on up

So things have gotten exciting recently, handed in my notice, ready for an epic adventure before retuning to university. Hopefully this time I will actually be sticking with this one and have come to the realisation of what I want to do with my life, well at least for the next few years (I mean lets not get carried away). God it’s been depressing being surrounded by friends who are so focused and successful, there is nothing worse than feeling envious and jealous of your closet friends. It’s horrific, it makes you want to peel off your skin to get at the itch underneath so you can get rid of it.

I mean, obviously we are going a little green around the gills now and them, but actually envy and jealously which makes you fear and hate and bitch – towards your closets mates, that is seriously unpleasant.

Still a fair few things in my life to sort out though, career is hopefully going to begin, I’ve got my mates, although I have to confess sometimes it would be nice to have a male ear to bounce a few things off, I’m still trying to widen that circle of friends and slowly I think I’m getting there. I’ve gotten back in touch with some long lost pals through the joy of facebook and are getting to the point that a few bevies are called for. Still need to get a hobby – well a hobby that involves going out and interacting as opposed to sitting in a darken cinema room or a corner in a library. I still look back on Book Club and think I need to get me one of those, if I hear of any female Americas setting one up I shall be signing on like a shot, and I also want to learn a martial art and generally get back in the gym – I mean who doesn’t? But unlike the vast majority of your I have a few slabs of tender sirloin steak then needs to be shifted. Then lastly it would possibly be rather fun to go on a few dates, have a few flings etcetera I mean I know I have high standards and am also not your most obviously catch of the century and I am happy to wait around rather than tag onto anyone, I am actually single and happy as opposed to pretending to be single and happy, but a girl has needs! And not just sex, but feeling that little bit specially, feeling that someone has noticed you and rubbed away at a bit of the dust and seen the twinkling diamond shinning underneath, just for a moment.

So any wanna be jewel thief’s out there, feel free to look me up. I’ll be the curvaceous, bonny redhead with the big gob, dirty laugh and mischievous grin.

How it all began

I’ve kept a diary on and off for years, a lot more off than on truth be told as I’ve gotten older. Funny that, the more real and interesting life has become the less I write about it. However dilemmas over whether Colin fancies me or which member of Take that I fancied* could take up pages and pages.

Plus, I’ve realised that as I get older I only tend to write about the bad stuff, and frankly that is crap. Who wants a written record of all the shittest points in my life? Good god, if I wasn’t depressed before I started reading them I bloody would be at the end. And more importantly, my life is really not that bad. I’ve got the same daily worries as everyone else- career, weight, friends love etc and very few other problems that are in smaller minority group.

Plus, I went for a long time being unhappy – moving swiftly from a happy giggly child to a quite, shy, angry kid wrapped in a shell so thick and so hard even I couldn’t see a way out. Thinds change, we grow up, we learn about some real pain and heartache and we come through it.

For the past two years, give or take a month or two, I’ve been more happy than I can remember in a while, even with the daily shit of ‘what the hell am I going to do with my life, my job is shit and I am never going to find love after my last twat of a boyfriend dumped me out the blue after four years.’ Ahem, I’m over it really, I swear, in fact I was over in about three days which made me realise that is was a dead duck long before either of us wanted to say, I’m jut naturally not a quitter, so hated to lose.

Anyway, my point was that I want a record of the good and the happy, the banal and the momentous. The little things that turn our moods on a knife edge. So this is a record for me, and anyone else who might stumble across it one day. And folks, I’m starting off on a high, the radio is on, the sun is out and dusk is falling, life is good.

*For the record, I never had these dilemmas but I can’t remember what nonsensical twaddle I would write about when I was 14 years old that would take up pages and pages.